We are all of us haunted by demons. Most of these demons are trivial, figurative demons (like self-doubt or chronic alcoholism), but this is not the only type of demon. No, there also exists a significantly less benign demon: Evil spirits who seize control of our bodies and bend them to the Archfiend's will.
This guide is concerned with only the latter type of demon, so those of you who've come here seeking advice on how to overcome personal demons (like a fear of flying, compulsive overeating, or the fact that Sixpence None The Richer's 1998 hit single "Kiss Me" has inexplicably been playing on a loop in your head for the past fifteen years) would do well to look elsewhere for assistance because this guide only covers demons of the supernatural variety.
So less "Doctor Phil" and more "Sweet little girls hefting grown men over their heads and tossing them through plateglass windows, middle-aged men scrawling glyphs upon the walls in their own excrement while gibbering in elder tongues, and kindly old grandmothers scuttling into your room late at night on dislocated limbs and unhinging their jaws to disgorge huge clouds of bees that swarm down your throat and eventually you choke to death on them because who could even breathe through all those bees?".
Nobody, that's who.
Summer: We all know it's a season, but what some of us may not realize is that with it comes the threat of deadly tornadoes. These whirling dervishes of destruction may seem cute and cuddly at first, but rest assured: They're no laughing matter. Unlike other types of weather, a tornado has little regard for local ordinances prohibiting wanton property damage. Sure, scattered flurries can be bothersome, but when's the last time a scattered flurry flung your doghouse into a nearby lake and impaled your great uncle with a gardening implement? That's right: Never. A scattered flurry has never done that because unlike tornadoes, scattered flurries aren't gigantic weather assholes.
So what can you do to survive an encounter with one of these godless, swirling deathtubes? Well, for a start, you can read the rest of this article for some juicy tornado survival tips.
It's no secret that I'm a something of a "lady's man". Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes of attracting just a moment of my attention.
Frankly, most of the time all I need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if I'm preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman'll have torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall deeply in love with me).
THE 2014 HOLIDAY INTERNET GUIDE TO PRODUCTS ONE COULD HYPOTHETICALLY PURCHASE AS GIFTS FOR OTHERS IF ONE WERE SO INCLINED
It goes without saying that time of year my inbox is practically overflowing with holiday-centric electronic mail. Sure, I still get the occasional fan letter ("Why do you hate me because I'm fat?", "Like to meet booted and gay gloved cops", "what do you think about a game like socom ,is it ok to play that game?") but the majority of the emails I receive throughout the winter months are request for a new entry in my world-renowned series of holiday gift guides.
So you know what? I'm gonna make their holiday wishes come true. Ladies and gentlemen...put your hands together, pull them apart, and bring them together again forcefully enough to create a sort of slapping sound for The 2014 Holiday Internet Guide To Products One Could Hypothetically Purchase As Gifts For Others If One Were So Inclined.
Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is "Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."
This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconscious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.
Now by this point you may be saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put your money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average non-firefighting child, can actually do to survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.
In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in my actual fire safety tips, I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving, mouthy children who don't respect their elders.
This should teach you.
Greeting to student staff and business professional. So many of you are here today. Woah! I am welcoming you to class of Beginning Computing. Object of class is learn use of microchip computer for twenty century workplace.
We all know of microprocessor computer, but do we know each part and piece that make it function? No. Of course, no. Why even learn such foolishness? Here is reason: Today, computer is much importance at all job. You work at school? You work at police? You work at petrol station? All these are putting the entry into computer.
So yes, learning computer is no joke. So let's come together with me...and we learn the world of computers.
If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.
Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."
But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail Cashiers: There are no portable price scanners; enjoy typing the barcodes of all oversize items by hand! Bestiality Aficionados: Good luck grasping your favorite horse’s genitals! But thankfully the nightmare of “no handhelds” never came to pass.
We live a life of handhelds, and video game systems are no exception. What follows is a guide to all your favorite portable game consoles past and present. If you have any complaints, don’t forget you aren’t paying for any of this.
Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.
A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand somewhere in the middle.
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used that as my writing mantra.
So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors, and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also, on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which annoy me.
If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be much obliged.