Review: Amazon Oddities

Amazon Oddities - Shirt Bib

You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON
sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged
by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE,
for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's
nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any
product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So
unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!),
cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the
title, you probably won't have much use for the list.
 
But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review
five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A
Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The
Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can
do to help.

Word on The Street: Bucket Lists

Spider Man Wailing Wall

Due to the outstanding success of my recently
published article on bucket lists
, I decided to "take it to the
streets" and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in
their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of
"Things to Do Before You Die".
 
Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some
thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and
consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of
ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I
was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I
was breaking some obscure law, but I think you'll find that the lists I
was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent
arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.

10 Idiotic Things To Do Before You Die

10 Idiotic Things to Do Before You Die - Base Jumping

"Things To Do Before You Die" lists are intended to remind us that
"life is precious", and that we should "live each day to it's fullest,
lest we die unhappy". Obviously this is easier said than done, and as
such, many people often dismiss these sorts of sentiments as
meaningless, idealistic garbage. But this may be somewhat unfair. If
one did wish to begin the journey towards enlightenment, I can
think of
no better path than one which begins by mindlessly taking part in a
number of broadly defined feel-good clichés as suggested a list
compiled by unimaginative Chicken Soup For The Soul lovers who have
recently become motivational speakers and are also high on ecstasy.
 
These lists are also known as "Bucket Lists", a term which was
popularized by the 2007 film of the same name. A film which, might I
add, was so utterly insipid, saccharine, and melodramatic that I myself
was only able to get through the first 5 minute of it before slipping
into a diabetic coma, from which I emerged 12 years later, no worse for
the wear, and yet puzzlingly unrefreshed.
 
So it was with great trepidation that I began my research into the
actual bucket lists themselves. My quest: To find 10 of the most
offensively stupid items which are often included on bucket lists. Here
are the results.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

Tourists Guide to Georgia - Jesus Gas

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was
once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of
indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a
number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes,
even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has
lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case.
Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no
further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county
fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has
become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home
goodness at a reasonable price.
 
So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and
activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end
of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another
rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as
The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.

George Lucas & The Mysterious Fungus

George Lucas & The Mysterious FUngus

"What is it?" I asked, eying the large pile of dry brown plant
matter uneasily.
 
"One can't say for sure," George muttered, scooping up a handful and
dropping it into his mouth, "I came upon it while tilling the fields.
It's true origins remain shrouded in darkness." He sputtered, swallowing.
 
I picked up a handful and began to chew. The stuff was absolutely
foul, and had a texture like dry bark. Grimacing, I choked it down, and
sat wondering what I had gotten myself into. It wasn’t long before I
started to feel it coming on. I felt slightly disconnected and an
almost imperceptible warmth and weightlessness crept into my limbs. I
laughed a little and said something like, “Mmmmmmm.”
 
George stood and looked around. He flexed, grinning and widening his
eyes.

“Nnnggg!” he cried, "OHHHH!”

4 Worthless Technologies of The Future

Awful Scifi Tech: 4 Failed Future Technologies

As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is
officially
The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told,
by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown
superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles,
synthetic tree bark, and all the child abuse simulators we could carry.
Obviously this has not come to pass. Unfortunately, when it comes to
cool future technologies like hoverboards or pianos that play
themselves (!), science has failed us utterly, electing instead to
focus its efforts on decidedly un-fantastical technologies like heart
valve replacement surgery, cordless telephones, and low-sodium Wheat
Thins.
 
Not that I'm complaining about how things have turned out. It's also
true that there are plenty of hypothetical "Future" technologies we are
better off without. Here are four of the worst offenders.
 

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Alaska

Tourists Guide to Alaska - Eagles Dumpster

From large groups of trees, to snow-capped mountains, to the ground
under those mountains and trees, it's fairly safe to say that Alaska
has got it all. It's a land of wonder, excitement, and adventure, where
anything can, and will happen! Well...I'm being a bit generous. It's
probably more like a land of quiet bemusement, snowstorms, and mild
anticipation. Hmm. Still seems kind of dishonest. OK: At the very
least, Alaska is a land which, I would assume, is not entirely without
it's charms. There. That sounds about right.

I would, however, like to apologize in advance for the lack of actual
tourism-based content in this article. I sincerely did try to find some
interesting and original things that people could do visiting Alaska,
but I mostly came up emptyhanded. the way I see it, this could be taken
to mean one of two things: 1. There actually is nothing interesting
going on in Alaska, or 2. I am just sort of lazy.

I'm thinking it's probably a little of both.

The Cynical [Chinese] Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina

Tourist's Guide to North Carolina

In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have
written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read
about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of
which there are many!) can either translate this article to English
using the translation software of their choice or view the ENGLISH
VERSION HERE
, as the Chinese version may not display properly
in their browser.

我希望你喜歡的許多文章中,我寫了!