"Ah, this is the life," I said, settling into my easy chair and taking a sip of orange drink, "Not a care in the world."
I glanced at the clock; 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle sequence erupted on screen. I rocked and squirmed in my chair, punching the air and feeling every blow. Captain Niro kicked a bandit in the face, sending him tumbling to the bottom of a steep incline, where he was graphically impaled on a number of jagged rocks. Suddenly the title card appeared: "Captain Nero". I cheered, pumping my fist, and cleared my throat in anticipation of the theme song.
Click, went the television. Suddenly I was watching channel 46. The intro to a funniest videos program blared from the speakers.
"Um, excuse me," I said, to no one in particular, "I was watching that."
I've always been a big fan of As Seen On TV gadgets. Not in a "wow,
this stuff is actually pretty cool and useful" sort of way though. It's
more like an "Oh my god, this is the most hilarious piece of crap I
have ever seen, I can't even believe it" kind of thing. Even at their
very best, infomercial products often offer nothing more than a
slightly more expensive way to accomplish a task which wasn't really
all that important in the first place (I am looking directly at you,
Magic Bullet). Of course, this very fact is exactly what makes them so
So let's take a look at four of the dumbest infomercialesque products
currently on the market: The Backup, Instant Arm Lift, The Freedom
Tray, and Jingle Jugs. Yeah, I know! Even the names are fantastic.
It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all
videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts
of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality,
only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this
description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.
Also, this really only applies to these men while they're
playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if
not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where
they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a
game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely
will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than
not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place
before The Ragestate occurs.
This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition
(and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this
This summer, patron must gird throbbing loins with the fun which the
large expensive film can bring. Which is to say: Loving will induce a
fun. Respect the joyful picnic. The summer movie proposes this: Escape
your trouble! Escape the career which you is miserable! Escape the
nagger cruelty of a wife whom pulverizes your joy! In the paid
theaters, your environment is controlled in compliance with pleasant
temperature. Appearing on the screen is a coitus grudge which improves
the virility of men who view it.
From here we list the films: Iron Man 2, Macgruber, and Crown Prince of
Persia. Speak these, becoming satiated. Acclamation inserted!
Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the
apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators".
These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator
(which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and
develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which
were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet
Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism
Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only
Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.
OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly
serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal
Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume
that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a
Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea
might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.
But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator
games available today.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This
makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a
baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars.
Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.
So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old
films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to
listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and
possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to
skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over
to an article written by somebody with actual talent".
In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that
somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly
Little known fact: There's actually an entire state attached to New
York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws
literally dozens of tourists each year into it's distinctly
unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their
way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination
capital of the world), but this matters little, as even somber pilgrims
hell-bent on their own destruction have a hard time resisting upstate
New York's many curio shoppes, taffy fountains, and collectible coin
So the next time you inexplicably get it into your fool head to pay a
visit to the overrated, obnoxious, self-important, overpriced,
stench-ridden cesspool known as NYC, you might consider bypassing the
Big Apple altogether in favor of it's slightly less nauseating upstate
cousin, as there's plenty to see and do there.
In service of this, the following article features an overview of some
of the more popular New Yorkian attractions. I invite you to examine it
at your leisure.
Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink,
I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs
were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The
words "Energy Supplement" were present on the bottle. 3. The
label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child and
printed on a cheap laser printer in some meth addict's basement. 4.
It was sitting on the counter at a filthy gas station next to a
container of laser pointer keychains and Playboy bunny lighters. So I
think you can forgive me for concluding that the whole thing wasn't on
But in the interest of semi-science (internet science?) I decided to
buy a few bottles of 5-Hour Energy Drink, do some research on the
ingredients, and perform a few test-drinks to see what effect this
shining example of Ostensibly Shady Energy Drink Marketing would have
on my hypercynical, overly suspicious mind. The results of my
experiment are contained in the following article, which is guaranteed
to thrill, educate, and excite (provided your standards are low
fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game
Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite
animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter
a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and
Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game
full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter
Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the
But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right
out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law
of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their
hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and