Trivial Things That Bother Me Far More Than They Should

No Annoying Noises

 

A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand somewhere in the middle.
 
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used that as my writing mantra.

So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors, and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
 
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also, on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which annoy me.

If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be much obliged.

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Christian Videogame Review: Bulletstorm

Bulletstorm

 

Like many of my fellow Brothers In Christ, I was shocked, saddened, and outraged when I heard that the US Government was going to allow the new megaviolent animated videogame Bulletstorm to be released. This comes even after Child Advocate and Actual Medical Doctor Carole Lieberman (in an interview on Fox News) proved conclusively that violent videogames cause rape by claiming that they did.
 
When pressed for "evidence" to back up her claims, she was unable to produce even a single shred. This of course led to cries of "irresponsible journalism" and "fear-mongering" among pro-rape advocates in the gaming industry, but the more educated among us know that those who constantly clamor for reputable scientific studies to back up what appear to be unsubstantiated and outrageous claims are missing the point: Violent videogames exist, and until they are successfully banned, our children will continue commit acts of violence, torture, embezzlement, and premarital assault.
 
But what of Bulletstorm specifically? Is this game truly as reprehensible as so many have claimed? The answer, of course, is a wholehearted and undeniable "yes."

Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular

Sinbad

 

Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of "Top 10" articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in a dumb old book anyhow.
 
Which of these theories is correct? I'm afraid I don't really know. But as a respected Orthopedic Surgeon and Semiretired Professor of Internet Sociology I do feel that I am uniquely equipped to explain to you the reasons for the proliferation of Top 10 Lists. And although I could easily summarize these reasons in one or two sentences, I feel it is my obligation as an Internet Content Creator to needlessly dilute them by stretching them out into a Top 10 List instead.
 
So here are (in no particular order) the Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular.

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How To Avoid Shaking Hands

No Shakey

 

Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
 

  1. Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
  2. I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.

 
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
 
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.

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7 Reasons Getting Old Is Great

i dont like old people and I wish that you old woman would stop looking at me

 

It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
 
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.

My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
 
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be great to get old. Take a look.

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7 Substances With Which You Could Theoretically Poison A Coworker Who Has Been Stealing Your Food

Steal Food

 

If you work in an office with a communal refrigerator, there's a good chance that you (or someone you love) has been a victim of Lunch Theft. Those afflicted with Lunch Theft are often left feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, and even--somewhat bewilderingly--sexually aroused. But it is important for victims of Lunch Theft to remember that they are not alone. In fact, it is estimated by the Federated Association of The National Council of Meat that sixteen out of ever hundred office lunches is eaten (without permission) by someone other than the rightful owner of the lunch.

As law enforcement is little help when it comes to "some guy eating another guy's pizza rolls", victims of lunchcrime are left with two choices:

A. Starve to death

B. Seek revenge against those who have wronged them by spiking food with various substances and leaving it in the fridge as "bait".

I'll just say straight away that if you came here looking for a guide on how to starve to death, you're going to be sorely disappointed. But if, on the other hand, you were looking strictly for information related to the poisoning of lunch-theving coworkers, I think you'll be pleased with the list I've compiled here.

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5 (More) Hilariously Obscene Biblical Passages

bible action figure

 

Whether you believe it in or not, there's really no denying that The Bible contains some of the most amusingly vulgar material ever committed to paper.
 
And while I've probably already covered "The Worst Of The Worst" (e.g. gang rape, unholy semen spillage, father-daughter incest, etc) in Part 1 Of My Biblical Filth Series, there are still a couple more--let's call them "tawdry"--passages I'd like to share with people who might not have actually read The Bible (you know, like most Christians?).
 
So here are five more crude and/or offensive Bible stories you may not have heard of.

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The Alphabet Of Swearing

 fcuk thsi

 

Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of Swearing" in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing "Yahoo Answers" replies and an article or two from websites even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
 
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.

This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.

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Captain Planet is a Piece of Shit

Captain Planet Is A Shithead

When it comes to indescribably lame environmental superheroes, there few lamer than Captain Planet. Admittedly, this is mostly due to the fact that I can't think of any other environmental superheroes and can't be bothered to do any research, but it's also because he's a scantily-clad man with a green mullet whose only friends are the harem of children who dress like him and all wear matching jewelry which he himself has provided. Nothing strange about that, right?

Some might point-out that writing an article ridiculing Captain Planet is "the author of such an article kind of "dumb" and "obvious", and that "the author of such an article is really just picking low-hanging comedy fruit". But I would respond by ignoring those points and saying that one of the things I appreciate most about Captain Planet is the ease with which he can ridiculed. A person doesn't really even need to actively "make fun" of him, because simply listing various facts about him is enough to send most people into fits of derisive laughter. The character is clumsy earnestness made manifest, and I think that deserves some recognition.

So let's begin, won't us?
 

FAQ: The Wonderful World Of Manga

manga man

 

Obviously there are plenty of misconceptions out there about Manga, but this is certainly not uncommon among the higher arts. In fact, when Opera first came on the scene in the early 1600s, it faced many the same criticisms that manga currently does: "Oh, I can't understand what is happening," "Why is everyone screaming?" "Is there some reason all the characters are white?" "Why does every woman have a huge chest?" "Is it entirely necessary to to portray child molestation so graphically and enthusiastically?" and so on.
 
What these manga detractors fail to understand is that, like opera, manga is simply ahead of its time. It seems clear to me that those who hate manga are simply too boorish and uncivilized to appreciate such a sophisticated art form.
 
But enough of this. I've already given these detractors more time than they deserve. Let's get on with the questions!

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